I couldn’t get her out of my head. It always gives me pause when my mind thinks about my friends—especially those already in heaven. Why was I thinking about my Viebica so much, lately? Yesterday—her laugh. Today I thought of her in the car on the way to work. And I was so, so sad. I thought it was the rain or perhaps that my mind had drifted and I’d let a cancer treatment commercial unintentionally seep in.
And while the sadness is manageable, I can never get over how the years never seem to wash away me missing her.
I wish she were here.
She met him once, the man to be my husband.
She thought him to be a good fit. Her opinion never escapes me.
It was one of our last exchanges—the one where I took the ring off her finger to wear and never returned it.
Taking it was intentional.
Not returning it was also intentional—but not to the extent that I wouldn’t have the chance.
The feeling poured in like the rain.
Dry-rotted windshield wipers like my soul
Unable to get all the thoughts unstuck
Grey clouds roll in thick and impenetrable when I think of how she died.
Alone from us who loved her so dearly
And I’m only left to wonder if she was protecting us or herself.
She never said a word.
The pain that lives in the place of answered questions—a deafening cacophony.
Tears provide the only oxygen.
If you had known her you’d know replacing her life is like replacing the earth that a crater displaces.
And all that that space holds is a lake of sadness.
There are rainbows
There are rainbows in bright warm skies
Symbols from heaven
Hope to come
And yes, no rainbows without rain…
Still a storm I would have avoided.
She was all things southern, Atlanta, brilliant and bright.
She packed in her bag a drawl that was like nobody’s business.
In the same bag a canon of literature
Her vernacular stretched across languages, and dialects and included an eye-roll that said it all.
Oh, how I loved her!
She called me crazy.
I don’t dispute it, entirely.
How we met was a bit of a misunderstanding.
To be fair, I thought her loud and obnoxious when I first heard her.
Who would have ever known the friendship that formed.
She fell asleep. I kept studying.
“Ooh. That was some good sleep! You’re not supposed to sleep that well in somebody else’s bed! Why did I sleep so well?!?”
I find comfort that she found comfort by me. Comfort was needed during those night-long study sessions. Especially for Dr. What Was His Name? She didn’t love that dude, but he got our attention, and we worked hard!
Her voice was the only rival to her smile—and my GOD—there’s a rainbow if I ever saw one. How could a smile be so penetrating? It broke through souls and walls like warm sun.
Of course, so did her pursed lips and eye roll. Oh! How we laughed!
I have to do that—I have to shift down deep into all the warm memories to bring me in from the cold.
I have to saturate my mind with laughter and stories and ridiculousness in order to forget she’s not here.
Every time, it brings her closer.
Assuages my pain. How could there be tears standing in the face of pure joy?
That’s what I tell myself.
And I’ve promised a remarkable reunion when I, too, go to heaven.